


Happiness Is Not In The Having

by The_Darkness_Eater



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Canon Dialogue, Declarations Of Love, Depressed Dean Winchester, Drinking, Gratuitous use of canon dialogue, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Jack Kline, Non-Explicit, Team Free Will (Supernatural), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Worried Castiel (Supernatural), Worried Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29542131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Darkness_Eater/pseuds/The_Darkness_Eater
Summary: One evening, a distracted Dean blurts out that he isn't happy. Such blatant admittance has both Sam and Castiel very rightly worried about the hunter. Sam confides in Castiel and he in turn tries to help Dean.Cas's confession without any deaths. They both get to be together and happy.
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 41





	Happiness Is Not In The Having

**Author's Note:**

> As I keep at this, I can most definitely see how much I suck at summaries.  
> The confession from 15X18 has a very heavy influence in the sense that there's usage of canon dialogue but the silver lining is that they both get to live and be together and happy.
> 
> This fic is not set as late as season 15. It's somewhere around s11-13 but there is no Jack. It is just Team Free Will. This takes place when there is some lull in their hunting lives. They are not facing any imminent threat from a big bad.
> 
> UPDATE: I rewrote the ending because it didn't seem exactly coherent.

“I am not happy.” Dean sighed, matter-of-factly one night, sitting and drinking beer around the kitchen table in the bunker, with Sam and Cas.

The conversation immediately died out and Sam looked up quite alarmed that his brother was talking about his emotions and furthermore, his happiness, even though he couldn't help feel a bit proud. He was surprised beyond belief, he felt a multitude of emotions right at that moment — relief, joy, worry — all of them washed over him, layer upon layer. 

Cas was extremely still and looking at Dean with something in his eyes that was so much akin to agony and hope mixed together. The intensity in his stare made Sam gasp softly and squirm in his seat; he was very much aware of the angel's 'profound bond' with his brother but being a witness to their interactions was always something fierce. He wanted to excuse himself from the table, however, he was also eager to be there for his brother. 

The silence finally made Dean look back at the people around the table. His face was so soft, almost sad. He looked like a child lost in a fair wanting nothing more than to find their parents. The peculiar looks on both Cas and Sam's faces finally made Dean snap out of it.

“What? I don't need sympathy guys.” He growled. 

Recognising that the moment was lost and there was no point trying to poke Dean about his feelings, Sam rose, bottle in hand, and excused himself for the night. Castiel though stayed back. He hadn't lowered his gaze ever since Dean blurted out those words. 

Dean looked at those electric blue orbs for the first time since his admission, really looked at them, and saw nothing but pain. At that something nasty jabbed somewhere near his chest, and his stomach felt heavy and empty at the same time. It destroyed him a little bit more to see his best friend looking at him like he was some precious little thing about to go extinct. He was already being torn up inside for saying that out loud — he didn't need this. 

“You don't have to feel sorry for me Cas!” He barked out, his walls already on their way up. Castiel didn't let up, his gaze just intensified even more, if that was still possible. 

“I have never felt sorry for you Dean. You should know that.”

His voice was so level and calm, Dean wanted to believe him as well as just punch him. Deep inside he did know that to be true though. The closest two people he has ever known are his brother and Cas, and for all his shortcomings, Castiel had never lost faith in him. But knowing it and acknowledging it are two very different things. Acknowledging that meant accepting it, and how could he? How could Dean just accept that someone, no not just someone but an angel like Castiel could ever know him and not pity him? The other angels already blamed him for how lost Cas has been in heaven's ways. Even though not being a winged dick is definitely an improvement in Dean's opinion. 

Cas was still looking at him, pinning him in place. Dean couldn't stop himself from staring back and getting lost in the depths of those eyes, he wanted to say something. Something scathing, something that would trivialise the sincerity in those words but all words were lost on his tongue. He was falling fast down the slope of the shit he keeps buried all the time. Soon it would engulf him whole and he didn't want to be alone in it, for once he felt like he might have a choice about that. He was breaking and it was easier to let it show when Sam wasn't around. He was supposed to be the one taking care of Sammy; he wasn't one to dump his feelings on anyone, let alone his little brother. 

He hated how Cas had that effect on him; how he could just look at him and it'd feel like he was looking down to his very soul and taking him apart, how he became so unguarded around the angel, how it was just easier to feel a little bit at peace whenever Cas was around. He didn't exactly hate that about the angel, it was just unnerving. 

“What were you thinking about?” Castiel asked in a voice that was so eternally soft, it should have annoyed the hell out of Dean but instead, he felt himself sighing and wanting to talk about it. 

“Nothing much,” he tried to be nonchalant, “Just about this life – hunting.” Castiel was absolutely silent and unmoving, not even nodding, just those earnest eyes letting him know he was heard. Not getting any response was unsettling and so Dean went on, “This is all I have ever known. I know it's my duty to put down those sons of bitches that go bump in the night,” he sighed heavily before continuing, “I don't see myself leading any other life, but I don't see the point in this one anymore either.”

“What do you mean? You help people.”

“Yeah, it's fleeting Cas. There's always gonna be the next monster.” Dean snorts, shaking his head. 

“What would you like then?”

Dean frowned at that question. His brows were drawn and he scowled at Cas, he wanted to go off on him — _what the hell does he mean by that?!_ He wanted peace, the kind he only got when the angel was around. But he wasn't unrealistic, just as he knew that there was no out for him except death, no light at the end of his tunnel, he also knew that angels didn't feel things the same way that humans did. 

Defeated, he exhaled, “Nothing, Cas. Goodnight.” And then he rose from the table and left without allowing Cas an opportunity to speak. He went to his room and prepared himself for a night of fitful tossing and turning before he tiredly collapsed into some semblance of sleep. 

Alone in the kitchen, Castiel sat contemplating at the now empty table. He thought about the hunter. He has known Dean for years, and in those years he has been intimately acquainted with the way that the Winchesters expressed their emotions, especially the elder one. More accurately, he has been aware of how vehemently Dean avoids wanting to face his emotions. Castiel has learned so much from Dean — in those early days when he was nothing more than heaven's perfect warrior just following orders, he trusted Dean to be the one to teach him about free will. He learnt about the many little quirks that make these humans uniquely themselves. But most importantly he learnt about the joy to be had from the simple connections that humans make. 

Castiel had always admired and enjoyed nature. He appreciated his father's creation since the dawn of time, he was tasked with loving all of them and he had done so without any inhibitions. Watching that little fish with his brothers, tending to bees — but these humans were always a mystery to the angel until Dean. He doesn't claim that he's got all the nuances figured out just yet, but he has some grasp on the ways of human life, specifically the life of hunters. He has watched the Winchester brothers closely for years, he knows about the different human emotions, he has experienced some of them himself but Dean's blatant admission has him coming up short. 

Does Castiel himself even know what happiness is? 

He has an idea of course about how it's supposed to feel, typically when people experience happiness, true happiness, what they get to taste. He wonders what his true happiness might be, what it might feel like. He keeps at this in the long hours of the night before ultimately retiring. 

  
  
*  
  
  


It was a few days later when the three of them were again sitting together around a table, a different one this time, after a hunt that went unexpectedly smooth. The conversation from that night was all but forgotten one might guess. However, in actuality, it was on everybody's mind it would seem. Sam was worried about his brother but hopeful and he wanted Dean to talk more about it. He has been constantly thinking about ways to make it easier for Dean to talk without getting a 'no chick flick' rebuffal. Castiel has been deep in thought, when not otherwise occupied, trying to figure out what happiness was truly and consequently what **his** **true happiness** could look like. And Dean, he has been regretting blurting out those words ever since that night. He wants to forget that night, he wants to keep the storming rage of emotions buried within him, he wishes he could not feel a damn thing. So, he has spent the past days self-medicating. He was already on his third bottle of beer after they returned to the bunker and he also has a bottle of Jack waiting in his room. It hasn't gone unnoticed and both Sam and Cas are worried. 

Sam clears his throat, “Dude you already had an entire pack before the job.” 

“Are you being judgemental Sammy?” Dean pursed his lips. But Sam just glares at him from across the table while Castiel looks vaguely exasperated. Sensing that they might bring up that night and they look like they might, he huffs exaggeratedly, “You all are a bunch of assholes, you know that.” He points at both of them as he leaves the table to go to his room. 

“I am worried about him, Cas,” Sam said as Dean exited the room and he couldn't hear his footsteps anymore. When Cas just squints at him and says nothing, Sam continues on, “He isn't one to ask for help. Heck he doesn't even talk about feelings unless some big crisis is looming over our heads or we are about to die,” and then he snorts, “Shit that sentence is crazy.” He goes on again, “Anyway, for him to just talk about not being happy, it worries me a great deal to think how bad it must be.” 

“I understand, Sam. I'm worried too.” The angel replies in his gravelly smooth voice and then he leaves the room as well. Exasperated and not at all reassured by Cas's reply Sam gets up to go check on Dean, but when he sees the angel headed the same way he decides otherwise and heads towards his own room. 

Cas comes up to Dean's door which is slightly ajar and knocks lightly, getting no response from within he slowly pushes it open to see Dean sitting on his bed with a bottle in his hand and staring off into the distance. It seems like he sees right through him. 

“Hello, Dean.”

That seemed to startle the hunter but he was quick to regain his composure, “Hey Cas.”

Castiel approaches Dean as he goes further into the room and takes a seat on the chair by the bed. Dean eyed him as he took his seat. 

“How have you been?”

“What the hell kinda question is that?” Dean is scowling hard with the bottle halfway raised to his lips. 

“I was enquiring about your well-being,” Cas squints in that really adorable way of his, “But you don't have to answer me. I just wanted to talk about some things that are important to me and I believe they'd be of some interest to you as well. I did much introspection about several things and reached some conclusions that I'd like to share with you, Dean. You don't have to say anything.”

Dean is glaring daggers at Cas as he steadily takes a swill from the bottle in his hand. He doesn't know where Cas is going with this and not knowing what to expect has him fidgeting. When Cas just stares back at him expectantly Dean makes an impatient gesture with his hand indicating him to go on. 

“You have taught me many things about humanity, Dean.” Castiel started, a bit unsure. He hesitates before continuing, “You taught me to be more than just a minion following orders, you showed me how there can always be a choice.” 

Each sentence seems to boost Castiel’s confidence as his voice gets steadier. 

Dean is staring at his angel with wide eyes, clearly confused, almost perfectly motionless, and still absolutely clueless about where Cas is headed. 

“Your confession that night must not have been easy.”

“It just slipped out Cas. It didn't mean anything.” Dean cuts the angel off, hastily. 

Castiel just draws his brows closer, tilting his head in confusion, the way he does, so catlike. He starts again, unfazed, “Dean you made me confront my truth. You got me thinking about my own happiness.” 

“That's good for you man but I still don't see where this is going.” Dean was slowly but surely running out of patience little by little all the while recovering from his flabbergasted state pretty well too. 

“Maybe if you would just let me finish, you’d get the point.” Castiel grit out through clenched teeth.

At that Dean turned away from Cas and got up from the bed to walk towards the opposite side of the room with his back to Cas. Exhaling heavily, Cas got his composure back before continuing, “Hearing you talk about wanting an out, I perceived what I want too.” Dean shakes his head slowly as he looks down wondering why his friend would choose to do this. He was aware of his fucked up life; one drunken slip-up of an admission does not merit this much attention. He wants to forget all that he divulged but Cas just couldn’t seem to be able to let it go.

“I have been the most consistent screw-up in this team,” Cas continues as Dean turns sharply to face him to try and discern what his angel was thinking but Castiel was lost in his own words, “And like you, I can’t have what I want. But I understand now that happiness is not in the having.”

Cas looks like he is going to say something more, he hasn’t yet realised that Dean is looking right at him.

“What if I want to have it, Cas?” Dean gasps out in an almost inaudible voice and then he is walking towards the angel as Castiel looks up to find himself lost in the green of Dean’s eyes. He cups Cas’s face gently with his palm as he leans forward and whispers, “Tell me if this isn’t okay.” With that Dean presses his lips to Cas’s. With a grunt of approval, Cas gets up on his feet as he kisses Dean back, pulling him closer. 

Cas is kissing him back! Dean's heart soars. All his hesitations, the turmoil that has been tearing him up inside for almost years now, is put to rest. His angel is kissing him, his angel wants him too. 

_ His Angel. _

Heh, that's a thought! 

Castiel was startled when Dean leaned down, but then he kissed him and he was not just happy, Castiel was ecstatic. All those years ago when he claimed this soul in hell, when he branded Dean he couldn't have been the least bothered about feelings. But the deep longing that he has felt which has only increased in intensity as time passed seems to be fulfilled then. 

They move about messily towards the bed and then Dean goes to close the door. He comes back soon to join Castiel on the bed. 

Dean has the best sleep he’s had in months. Even though angels don't need sleep, Castiel decides to give it a try that night beside his Dean. 

  
*  
  


The next morning, Sam feels like he’s witnessing a miracle in the kitchen. Dean is smiling after weeks of being so grumpy that he’d barely grunt in response to anything Sam had to say. Castiel is of course there, sitting at the table as Dean prepares the breakfast. He is looking at Dean with so much wonder in his eyes and it is so different from the usual concern tinged with a bit of hopelessness that had been consuming Cas for the last few days. As he takes a seat at the table, he feels something heavy lift off his chest. He allows himself to be happy too. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> It was 4AM and I was projecting hard.  
> It was 6AM and I looked up Castiel's confession speech and cried my heart out.  
> And hence this 2.7K baby came into being.
> 
> If I have botched anything up with the canon dialogue please be kind.


End file.
